I Just Want More: Finding Joy, Fulfillment, and Wholeness in Christ when You're Single

​​“I feel like I just want more,” I said as I sat on a therapist’s couch.

I was almost 25, dealing with heightened anxiety and depression, going through a bit of a quarter-life crisis, and had just confessed to my therapist that most of the time, I didn’t feel happy.

In typical therapist fashion, she asked, “How do you feel?”

That’s when I responded, “I feel like I just want more.”

​She prompted, “What do you mean by more?”

I thought about it: what did I mean by “more”?

I meant something deeper than moments of happiness. I meant a sense of fulfillment and wholeness and enough-ness. I meant the ability to be present and enjoy the goodness and beauty in my life without this undercurrent of discontentment through it all.

Because I was discontent.

A big source of that discontentment was the fact that I was single.

Underneath any happiness or enjoyment of the present moment, was the thought that it’d be better—more joyful, more beautiful, more good—if I had a significant other by my side.

I feel like I just want more.

And there on the therapists couch it hit me: I was believing marriage was the more.

More or Less

In believing marriage was more, I was also believing singleness was less—less joyful, less beautiful, less good.

In culture, the church, and maybe even in our own hearts and minds, we’ve too often defined singleness as less-than and lacking.

We’ve defined it by what isn’t there: no dates, no plus one, no significant other, no person to call “mine.” And often with that: no purpose, no belonging, no security, no fulfillment.

And in culture, the church, and maybe even in our own hearts and minds, marriage has too often been held up as the more. The cure to the loneliness; the fulfillment of our longings; the security of our future; the proof of our worth and significance.

How do we find wholeness when singleness feels lacking? How do we experience fulness when singleness seems empty? How do we enjoy our single lives when we feel like we just want more?

Nothing More

Throughout the the Gospel of John, we read what are known as The Seven I Am Statements of Jesus:

"I am the bread of life." John 6:35

“I am the light of the world.” John 8:12

​“I am the gate for the sheep.” John 10:7

​“I am the Good Shepherd.” John 10:11, 14

​“I am the resurrection and the life.” John 11:25

​“I am the way and the truth and the life.” John 14:6

​“I am the true vine.” John 15:1

In these statements, Jesus declares Himself to be the One who loves and cares for us; who provides a place of security and belonging; who is our light in the darkness; who shows us the way and makes the way for us; who nourishes and strengthens us; who gives us not just surviving-life, but life that is abundant and never-ending and lacking nothing.

​These statements are powerful not just in the imagery Jesus uses as He describes Himself—as He says “This is who I am”—but also in the fact that He says, “I Am.”

This is an echo of the name God identified Himself by to His people as He delivered them from slavery in Egypt, re-established His covenant with them, and gave them the law.

God said to Moses, "I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I am has sent me to you.'" Exodus 3:14

​In declaring this name, God declares He is self-existent, and all life and breath come from Him. He declares He is eternal and unchanging, and so will always be good to His people and faithful to His promises. He declares He lacks for nothing, and is all-sufficient for everything.

Jesus, as God incarnate, makes this same declaration:

“I tell you the truth, before Abraham was even born, I am!” John 8:58

​Because of who Jesus is—I Am—and who He is to us, for us, and in us—our Good Shepherd, our Door, our Light, our Way, our Truth, our Bread, our True Vine, our Resurrected Life--singleness is not less-than or lacking when lived in relationship with Him. Because in Christ, we have restored wholeness, abundant fullness, and complete joy.

Jesus is not just one option out of many--He Is. Nothing is more than Him—our Source, our Sustainer, our Satisfaction.

What is Your Source?

During the time when I was making regular visits to the therapist, God was convicting me that I was looking to marriage, motherhood, and my dreams coming true as the source of my joy, worth, and fulfillment.

But these are all found in Christ:

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11

So you also are complete through your union with Christ. Colossians 2:10

Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. Ephesians 1:4

What are you looking to as your source? Where are you trying to find your joy, worth, and fulfillment?

When our Source is Christ, singleness isn’t empty of joy, peace, hope, purpose, and fulfillment. Because Jesus is our joy, peace, hope, purpose, and fulfillment.

What Sustains You?

One of things my therapist talked with me about was possible reasons I could be experiencing discontentment in my singleness. As I shared above, one of those reasons was that I was trying to find joy and contentment in something other than Jesus.

Another reason she shared was that the discontentment could really be God stirring a restlessness in my heart because He had something new for me to step into.

Maybe this is the case for you: life feels lacking and you feel restless because God is calling you into something new; there is something else He has for you to learn, to experience, to do, to become.

But maybe we don’t believe we can do that thing or step into that newness or experience that goodness in our singleness, without a significant other. Maybe we don’t want to.

Because having a partner by our side is what we’ve believed will sustain us through the challenges and fears; it’s what we’ve believed will give us the courage and wisdom needed; it's what we've believed will bring purpose to daily living.

With Jesus, we already have all we need to step into whatever God has for us. He is the One who sustains us in the hardships, in the longings, for the long-haul.

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength… And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:12-13, 19

What Brings You Satisfaction?

​Throughout my 20s, in the midst of the good things that were in my life, a thought was on repeat in my mind: If only I were married…

And this thought, this thinking marriage was the more that would make the already good even better, kept me from fully leaning into, embracing, and enjoying the goodness God was already pouring out.

Do we believe Jesus is enough? Do we believe He fulfills and satisfies?

Or do we believe we need something more? Do we believe marriage would make God’s goodness better?

Instead of thinking, If only I were married…, let’s delight in Jesus. Let’s worship Him. Let’s enjoy His goodness and gifts to us—a good book, a beautiful sunset, a healthy meal, an encouraging friendship.

Let’s believe life is full and good and beautiful and purposeful in Christ, right now, even as dreams haven’t come true. And let’s fully lean into that goodness, beauty, and purpose with wholehearted abandon—a trust fall into our Father’s mighty, loving, safe arms.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Ephesians 1:3

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

​Jesus is​ our Good Shepherd—we lack nothing.
​Jesus is our nourishing bread—we are not empty.
Jesus is our true and resurrected life—we have more than enough.