How do I Handle the Sadness that Comes with Being Single Over the Holidays?

​With all their wonder and magic, the holidays can have a way of magnifying the hard stuff of singleness.

And this can stir up all sorts of feelings and emotions in our singleness: sadness about being single during this time we wish we were sharing with that person we could call “mine”; disappointment of another year going by without our dreams coming true; feeling left out and overlooked amidst the focus on couples and families with children; stress and weariness with handling the added to-dos by ourselves; frustration and hurt as yet another relative comments about our singleness but doesn’t bother to listen to our hearts… and I could go on.

​All these feelings and emotions can be overwhelming. How do we handle them?

Because these feelings are heavy and hard and not pleasant to experience, it’s easy to believe we shouldn’t be experiencing them at all.

After all, aren’t the holidays supposed to be a time of celebration and joy, of gratitude and enjoying God’s gifts, of peaceful moments and heartwarming traditions and fun festivities?

Is there space for sadness and disappointment and frustration and weariness and pain?

The With-ness of God

​In Matthew’s telling of the Christmas story, he quotes an Old Testament prophecy that was fulfilled in Jesus’ birth:

"'The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel' (which means 'God with us')." Matthew 1:23, quoting Isaiah 7:14

Throughout the Old Testament, we can read many promises from God to be with His people. (Deuteronomy 31:8; Joshua 1:9; Isaiah 43:2; and Zephaniah 3:17 are just a few.)

But the prophecy from Isaiah that Matthew quotes speaks of God becoming incarnate.

“Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood… [I]t was necessary for him to be made in every respect like us, his brothers and sisters.” Hebrews 2:14; 17

“[Jesus], being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” Philippians 2:6-7

​Our God is a God of compassion (2 Cor. 1:3), and we see this no better than in the incarnation, when the God of glory and grace and goodness not only stepped into the messy brokenness of our world, but experienced it as a human, just as we do, Himself being broken and suffering for us.

“For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the devil, who had the power of death. Only in this way could he set free all who have lived their lives as slaves to the fear of dying… Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.” Hebrews 2:14-15; 18

“And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:8

​In the incarnation, we see that the with-ness of God isn’t just a coming alongside or being next to—it is a uniting of Himself to us, so we could be united with Him (Heb. 2:10-12).

Immanuel. Truly God with us.

Friend, God is with you in your emotions. He hasn’t abandoned you in them. He isn’t aloof to the feelings you’re experiencing. He isn’t unseeing of your tears or unhearing of your cries.

Rather, He desires to comfort and care for you. Not in a way that downplays how you’re feeling, telling you to “just be grateful for what you have,” but in a way that compassionately understands and graciously holds space and lovingly embraces, saying, “I know this is hard and heavy. I’m here for you, with you. And it’s okay to cry.”

Resting in God's Compassion

​Here are some ways we can rest in God’s compassion and be held and upheld by Him when we’re experiencing the hard and heavy emotions that come with being single over the holidays:

Pray
In prayer, we can pour out our hearts to our Father—honestly telling Him how we are feeling and offering our emotions to Him.

And in this pouring out of our hearts, we experience God’s heart for us, as He comforts us with His love, as He convicts us of His truth, and as He cultivates us in His way.

Remember Truth
I don’t know about you, but when I’m experiencing sadness, loneliness, disappointment, or other overwhelming emotions, I’m much more vulnerable to believing the lies of the enemy telling me I’m worthless, I don’t belong, there’s no hope for my future.

In the midst of our emotions, we need to remember the truth of who God is, of who we are in Christ, and of the life He promises to us and instructs us in living.

Remembering the truth of God’s Word gives us a foundation on which to stand as we navigate the hard and heavy feelings and emotions.

Prepare
If you know you’re more prone to experiencing sadness (or other hard emotions) in your singleness over the holidays, you’re in a good place. Because this means you can prepare for these feelings and emotions, and perhaps they won’t be so overwhelming.

What does your mind, heart, and body need for processing these feelings during this season? What are some things you could do before, during, and after the holidays to help you navigate these feelings?

Talk with Someone
Whether it’s with a trusted friend, someone wise we look up to, or even a professional counselor, sharing our sadness and struggles can help us process them, ease the burden, and release any shame around the emotions we’re experiencing.

Lean into Joy
This doesn’t mean manufacturing a facade of holly-jolly-ness. This doesn’t mean stuffing your sadness or frustration or disappointment for the sake of being thankful and choosing joy.

But this is a reminder that sometimes we have to lean into the joy of the Good News that Christmas celebrates, even when we’re not feeling it.

This is a reminder that our experience of Christmas doesn’t have to be either/or—it can be both a season of sorrow and joy.

None of these ideas are meant to be a quick fix (and they probably won’t be).

I think we often want to rush through our emotions and get to feeling better a lot sooner than God does. Not that He doesn’t want us to feel better; but more so, He wants to grow us in intimacy with Himself, and He can do that even through our sadness and disappointment and frustration and weariness and pain.

Friend, be encouraged: God is with you. And while your emotions may feel too heavy and overwhelming for you, they are not for God.

And with Him, even as you experience the hard stuff of singleness and the range of emotions it brings up, you can also experience joy and peace and hope in your singleness during the holidays, and beyond.