How to Overcome People-Pleasing so You Can Serve Others in Love

​They asked me to do something for them, to help out in someway, to take part in this project.

​I really wanted to say, “No, that doesn’t work for me.”

Because I have other responsibilities I need to focus on right now, and I know this would distract me from them. I have other passions I’m pursuing, and I know this would take time away from them. I have other things I’m committed to doing, and I know this would cram my schedule too full, causing unnecessary stress and anxiety.

But despite the fact that my head, my heart, and my planner all said, “No, this doesn’t work,” I still found myself feeling pressured to say, “Yes.”

Not from the person who asked, but from my people-pleasing tendency.

Do you ever find it hard to say, “No”, even when your head, heart, and schedule are telling you that “Yes” isn’t the best answer?

But the people-pleaser in us will argue that it is the best answer. Because we want to be helpful. We don’t want to let them down. We want to be good Christians with a servant’s heart.

But while people-pleasing may look like helping and serving, it isn’t coming from a servant’s heart. It’s coming from misplaced fear.

People-Pleasing = Misplaced Fear

People-pleasing happens when our "fear of man” becomes greater than our fear of the Lord.
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• We people-please when we’re afraid of someone else’s disproval or rejection.
• We people-please when we’re afraid that someone else’s unhappiness means we’re not a good enough friend, daughter, mom, wife, co-worker, etc.
• We people-please when we’re afraid that if we don’t step up, no one will, and everything will fall apart.

In contrast, fear of the Lord is awe and reverence for Him that causes us to trust in Him rather than be afraid.

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.
​Proverbs 29:35

​When we fear the Lord…

• We are secure in His acceptance of us, rather than fearful of rejection.
• We are confident in our identity in Christ, rather than striving to prove we’re good enough.
• We are assured He will care for us and those who rely on us, rather than believing it’s all up to us.
• We are reliant on His provision and strength, rather than our own, knowing that it is He who holds everything together and makes everything work for good, not us.

People-Pleasing vs. A Servant's Heart

In Galatians 1:10, the apostle Paul writes, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Serving others is something we are called to do as followers of Jesus.

Like Jesus washing His disciples feet, we are to perform acts of care for others that meet their needs, recognize their dignity and worth, and encourage their hearts.

People-pleasing will often try to disguise itself as a “servant’s heart”. But we see from Paul’s words that people-pleasing really keeps us from truly serving Jesus through serving others in love.

The difference between people-pleasing and serving in love is a matter of the heart:

• People-pleasing comes from a heart that is trying to prove its worth. Serving in love is an overflow of knowing our identity in Christ.
• People-pleasing seeks to earn recognition. Serving in love seeks to recognize the needs of others.
• People-pleasing is self-led, answering on impulse because I feel like I have to. Serving in love is Spirit-led, answering with intention because I desire to please the Lord.

Overcoming People-Pleasing and Serving in Love

How can we overcome people-pleasing so we can serve others out of a true servant’s heart?

Here are a few ways:

Increase your fear of the Lord
Since the primary cause of people-pleasing is misplaced fear, increasing our fear of the Lord is probably the number one way we can overcome people-pleasing.

As our fear of the Lord increases, our fear of everything else will decrease.

​Know where your worth is found
Your worth isn’t found in everyone being happy with you. Your worth isn’t found in volunteering. Your worth isn’t found in recognition and accolades. Your worth isn’t even found in having a servant’s heart.

Your worth is found in Christ alone.

Pray before you answer
Whether it’s a quick prayer right after being asked to help with that thing that you’re not sure you’ll be able to help with, or answering with, “Let me think/pray about it, and I’ll get back to you”, praying before we answer with a definite “Yes” or “No” quiets the people-pleaser and listens to the Holy Spirit’s leading.

Set boundaries
Maybe it’s only taking on a certain number of volunteer projects at a time. Maybe you have a certain day or night of the week that you won’t commit to anything so you can rest and renew.

Whatever it might be, set some boundaries to give you a guideline for saying “No" even when the people-pleaser in you wants to say “Yes.”

Serve where your passions are
Serving others won’t always be fun or comfortable or convenient, but not wanting to people-please shouldn’t be used as an excuse to not serve others at all.

As you look for ways to serve others, look for where their needs and your passions meet.

God often uses our gifts and passions to lead us where He wants us, to lead us to others we can serve and share Jesus’ love with.

Through Christ, we can overcome people-pleasing. Maybe this week you could pick just one of these actions to implement, so you can start saying "No" to people-pleasing, and "Yes" to pleasing the Lord with a true servant's heart.​