The Tension of Contentment and Longing: How do I Balance Being Content in Singleness with Still Having the Desire for Marriage?

I’ve shared before how in my 20s, I struggled with deep discontentment in my singleness. I did not want to be single, and I didn’t see how I could have a good, joyful, and purposeful life until my dreams for marriage came true. Or at least an as good, as joyful, as purposeful life.

Except, there was one way I knew this was possible: through Jesus.

So while my 20s was a time of struggling with discontentment in my singleness, my 20s was also a time of cultivating contentment in my singleness, and more so, of finding my joy in Jesus.

By the time I entered my 30s as a still-single woman, I could say that I was content in my singleness, and even content with being single for the rest of my life.

But that doesn’t mean my desire for marriage went away. That doesn’t mean the deeper longings within my desire for marriage—the longings for intimacy, purpose, belonging, security, to leave a legacy, to be chosen and wanted, to use my gifts and passions in a home—went away.

And through all this time of learning and finding and growing and becoming, the sense of contentment and the intensity of these longings has ebbed and flowed opposite each other, pushing and pulling against one another, creating a tension of both contentment and longing residing together inside of me.

Friend, do you find yourself in this tension? Desiring marriage, but wondering if holding this dream or taking steps to pursue it means you’re not actually content and finding your joy in Jesus; desiring to be content in Christ and enjoy your right-now life, but fearing this means giving up on your dreams and ignoring your longings as if they don’t matter anymore, to yourself or to God.

How do we live in this tension of contentment and longing? How do we balance being content in singleness while still holding and pursuing our dreams for marriage?

​Let’s start by defining what contentment is, and is not.

The dictionary definition of contentment is “the state of being satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.”*

Based on this definition, it would seem impossible to live in the tension. It would seem in order to be content, we would either find satisfaction through all our longings met, all our dreams fulfilled, all our desires given; or we would find satisfaction through giving up on our dreams, suppressing our longings, and settling for being happy with less than we desire.

But in Philippians 4, we’re given a more full picture of what it means to be content in Christ:

​“I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
​Philippians 4:10-13

The word “content” used in Philippians 4 comes from the Greek autarkes. It means “sufficient, adequate, needing no assistance.”**

At the time of writing this letter to the church in Philippi (around 61 or 62 A.D.)***, the apostle Paul was under house arrest for sharing the good news of Jesus’ death and resurrection (Phil. 1:12-14), and this wasn’t the first time he had endured hardships for his faith (2 Cor. 11:23-27). Paul’s life would end not long after penning these words: in 64 A.D., he would be tried and executed in Rome for proclaiming the Name of Jesus as the only One who can save, sustain, and satisfy.****

Paul had longings (Rom. 1:9-12; 1 Thess. 2:17-18; 2 Tim. 1:4; ). Paul had needs (2 Cor. 11:9; Phil. 4:16-18). Paul had circumstances in his life he wanted to be different (2 Cor. 12:7-10).

Yet in this letter he wrote while in chains, he speaks of learning to be content in all circumstances.

How is that possible?

Verse 13 tells us:

“I can do all this through him who give me strength.”

That phrase “gives me strength” comes from the Greek arkeo, which means “to have sufficient strength, to be enough for a thing.”**
​
Do you see the connection between the definitions of content/autarkes and gives me strength/arkeo?

Paul was able to be content not because all his longings were met or because he had settled for something less-than; rather Paul was able to be content because Jesus was strengthening him. Jesus was his source of joy. Jesus was his enough.

Paul says he learned to be content in both plenty and want. This means contentment doesn’t automatically happen when our longings are met. This also means contentment is possible when we have unmet longings.

Biblical contentment isn’t the absence of longing—either by those longings being fulfilled, or by those longings being ignored, suppressed, or dissipating.

Rather, here’s a definition of contentment we could use: abiding in Jesus as our enough; abiding in Jesus as our Source—of joy, of peace, of hope, of strength, of wisdom, of purpose, of all the fulness of life; abiding in Jesus as our sufficiency, in all our longings, in all our needs, in all our plenty, in all circumstances.

This tension of contentment and longing is actually a good thing, because if contentment meant no more longing, that would mean our contentment is based on perfect circumstances and fulfilled dreams, not on who Jesus is to us, for us, and in us, in both happiness and sorrow, in both wellness and pain, in both plenty and want, in both fulfilled dreams and unfulfilled dreams.

So when you’re trying to balance being content in singleness and having a desire for marriage, know that there will be tension, and that that’s okay.

Let this tension remind you to seek Jesus first, and for the pursuit of your dreams to be a part of seeking Him, not apart from seeking Him.

Let this tension remind you to bring your longings to Jesus and let Him meet you in them, in all His sufficiency, in all His enough-ness.

And let this tension remind you where the true fulfillment of your desires, the true satisfaction of your longings, and the true source of your joy is found: in Christ.

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*https://www.dictionary.com/browse/contentment; https://www.dictionary.com/browse/content
**The New Strong's Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible by James Strong
***Discover the Bible for Yourself by Kay Arthur
****https://www.dwellcc.org/essays/chronological-study-pauls-ministry

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Want some simple ideas for cultivating contentment in singleness?
In this free guide, I share 4 practices that greatly helped me in my own journey of becoming content in singleness. I pray it encourages you!