Because to us, this phrase is implying there must be a reason we’re single; there must be some quality, hidden among all our good qualities that were likely just listed as evidence of our marriageability, that actually makes us romantically undesirable, unattractive, and unfit.
And while I wish I could say that in response to this phrase I’m able to confidently declare, I’m single simply because I’m single, and there’s nothing wrong with that, more often then not my mind scrambles to find an acceptable answer while simultaneously wondering, Why am I still single? What is the reason?, and behind my now forced and fake smile, my heart feels… bleh.
This bleh-ness comes because the answer to my wonderings is often a stirring and surfacing of a murky mix of insecurities; insecurities that say they’ve got it all figured out as to why I’m still single; insecurities that effortlessly list reason after reason for why I’m not marry-able.
Maybe you can relate.
Maybe there are sentences spoken or situations you find yourself in when your insecurities swell and squeeze your heart a little tighter than usual.
Maybe there are times when you wonder Why am I still single? and any reason that comes to mind just leaves you feeling bleh.
Maybe you’ve listened to the lies that equate singleness with brokenness, and you fear your single status is neon sign brazenly announcing there’s something broken in you.
Maybe you doubt your worth, your lovableness, and your worthiness of love.
And maybe the enemy points to the fact that you’re single as a way to feed those doubts, and then dangles romance and marriage in front of you like a white-gown-clad carrot for you to endlessly chase as the cure to those doubts.
In the midst of this bleh-ness and these doubts and these lies, I want to share with you 3 truths about the true source of your worth and the true cure for the insecurities:
1. Your worth is not defined by your relationship status
So often, we look to a glittering ring on our finger, having a date on a certain romantic holiday, bringing a plus one to introduce to all the family at the cousin’s wedding, as the proof of our lovableness, our worth, and worthiness of love.
But our worth isn’t defined by our relationship status.
In Genesis 1, we read of God creating people:
Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us…" So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:26-27
This is why we were created and who we were created to be: in His image.
Being created in the image of God means we are created for relationship. The “Us” in these verses refers to the Trinity: God as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Three in One eternally living in perfect communion and union with one another.
And God created us to enter into communion with Him. God created you because He desires to have a relationship with you, in which you draw ever nearer, grow ever deeper, become ever more intimate.
This is what gives us worth: that we are created in God’s image, made for relationship with Him who loves us and chose us before the creation of the world to be His. (See Ephesians 1:4)
2. Romance won’t heal your insecurities
When those insecurities swell and our heart feels bleh, it’s easy to think, If only…
If only I were in a relationship, then all these insecurities would go away.
If only I had “my person”, then I would be more confident.
If only I had a boyfriend, then I would feel beautiful.
If only I were married, then I wouldn’t feel like something is wrong with me.
The thing is, there is something wrong. But it’s not singleness; it’s sin.
Romans 3:23 makes it clear:
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Sin is anything we do that is disobedient to God. It’s any thoughts or actions or words or attitudes or desires that go against God’s character and will. So sin causes separation between us and God. A breaking of the relationship; a marring of the image.
Because of sin, we are broken and fallen and insecure and undeserving and incomplete.
And the enemy wants to keep us that way. So he’ll lie to us about the real reason we feel unworthy and incomplete. He’ll make false promises about the cure for our brokenness: a boyfriend, a bigger paycheck, a better figure.
But what we truly need isn’t a ring, but a Redeemer.
2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.”
Jesus took care of our sin when He took our sin upon Himself and died the death we deserve. He took what makes us broken and fallen and insecure and undeserving and incomplete, and in exchange gives us His righteousness: He rescues us from a place of separation and brings us into right-standing with God.
Through Jesus, sin is broken, the broken is mended, and relationship with God is restored.
This is the cure. The healing of our brokenness, our fallenness, our insecurities is Jesus.
3. You are fully loved, right here, right now
We were created for relationship, so it makes sense that we long for love. And in our longing, maybe we wonder if we are loved; if anyone could ever love me.
God is Trinity: relational, intimate, love. (See 1 John 4:16) So you were created in love, by love, and for love.
This is our secure anchor when the insecurities threaten to drown: the love God has for us in Christ, from which we can never be separated. (See Romans 8:38-39)
As we rest in this love and grow in our knowledge of Him who is Love, we will become more confident—not doubting our worth, but living as ones who are loved, and sharing that love with others.
I may not be able to give a reason for why I’m still single. But I do know this: we have worth because we were created for relationship with God; we are whole when we live in that relationship through faith in Christ; and we are fully and forever loved.